“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
dream blunt rotation
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”