I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”