I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?