I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
How do dragons blow out candles?