*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’d love this…lol
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed