I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
THIS HEADLINE
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT