@JasonIsbell

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

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@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@RowdyBowden

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@GailSimone

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

@bewgtweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@Dawn_M_

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

@KeetPotato

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

@hammyinmiami

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”