I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*