I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river