I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.