I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.