i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.