@UncleDuke1969 “Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
@MaraWilson I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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@UncleDuke1969 
@BuckyIsotope [on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
@Proxic0n SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
@felixoshea Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
@Brianhopecomedy My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
@holypurgatory Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
@MrGeorgeWallace Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
@clichedout [first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
@mattZillaaaa Dress for the job you want to sleep at
@Home_Halfway {Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*