I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!