@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

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@UncleDuke1969

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

@BuckyIsotope

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

@Proxic0n

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

@felixoshea

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@holypurgatory

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

@clichedout

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*