I get distracted pretty eas
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My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Well well well…
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
This classic never gets old . . .
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*updates tinder bio*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.