I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
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friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”