I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”