i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.