I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
🤣🤣🤣
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”