I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Bike for sale
The internet is magic sometimes.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”