*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord