i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
yeet
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*