I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
so i’m at the stock market right
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
new record!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it