I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no