I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
File under excellent bookstore names.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.