I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
When someone trying to leave me
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
when someone rings the doorbell
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.