I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!