I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Going to church you guys need anything
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*