I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.