Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”