I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?