Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.