I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
i was baptized in a car wash
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed