I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You Might Also Like
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm