I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.


*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.


The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early


I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.


I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”


*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”


I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.


Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.