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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,