I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 馃槉
WELL WELL WELL if it isn鈥檛 the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Don鈥檛 mind me, I鈥檓 just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’ve spotted six Pok茅mon today but I don’t have the Pok茅mon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
is this a warning or an offer?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn鈥檛 need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance