@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

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@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

@DBMaxP

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@slimmy_shady

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@MaybePileJokes

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.