I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.