I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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3% human
97% stress
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range