I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway