I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis