I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
🤣🤣
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.