I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
This could’ve been an email.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo