I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
the rocks need my help
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Spell check is for lasers.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter