I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle


*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*


[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
[chases him from room with broom]


Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are


Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?


Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here


“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”