@OnlyFastEddie

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

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@notmythirdrodeo

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

@BuckyIsotope

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

@pleatedjeans

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

@carlyken

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@Book_Krazy

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

@UncleDuke1969

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”