I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.