I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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superterriblemorningexpialidocious
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.