I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day