I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My dog ate my work from home.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
how long have you had this for?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Got ya covered
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy