I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre