I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.