I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.