Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems fine

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Me trying to reach for my goals

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud