I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
live, laugh, laundry.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out